One way to get a job! (probably not recommended!)

SENIOR CITIZEN JOB APPLICATION - B & Q

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock!***

Not going grey gracefully!

Today I made the decision to not go grey gracefully! I have been fighting this decision for quite a while, in fact ever since the last time I had my hair cut (over a year now). It has now reached that length (just below shoulder length)when it gets unmanageable and just looks strealy. When I was younger I coloured my own hair for years, but now I have gone past the 50 mark the impetus has been lost somewhere.

Actually I have been fascinated watching my hair change over the last couple of years and acquire a pewter hue. But actually its more a sparkly silver in the sun, especially when its just been washed and is cut short! Both my mother and grandmother were white by the age of 60 so it's in the genes. I have told my daughter this and she is horrified, unfortunately I only see her a couple of times a year and each time she is fascinated to see how much more silver I have aquired.

So I have taken the plunge and booked an appointment at the hairdresser for a cut and blow dry on Saturday. This means I am going to have to get on with the colouring before Saturday. Saturday being the day of the Company Christmas Dinner and Dance - hence the last minute panic stations - I have just realised I cannot go looking like the mad woman of Chaillot! Fortunately the first hairdresser I tried had a slot which saved a lot of time, but Saturday is going to be busy, what with having my hair done and then having to go shopping for something to wear, as I have also now realised that it simply will not be good enough to throw on the first thing I find in the wardrobe (and I simply do not have anything dressy enough to wear -aaaargh!)I live in jeans and t-shirts when not at work and resent paying good money for something I'm probably only going to wear once or twice - I have better things to spend my money on!

An English Love Poem!

Thought I'd share this with my readers (assuming I have any!)

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top Notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me grannies grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter wot you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the telly's on

And fetch another beer.

Sickness and Celebrity!

Well last week was pretty much a complete write off. I had booked wednesday afternoon off as holiday as well as Thursday & Friday and the plan was my daughter came up on Thursday with my grandson to stay the weekend, going home on Monday. That was the plan anyway - on Tuesday morning I woke up feeling fine. 5 minutes later I wasn't feeling fine at all! I spent the next couple of days in the bathroom - need I say more? Tues & Wed were pretty ghastly and Thurs & Fri weren't much better, though by Friday afternoon at least I was able to get to the doctors for a certificate, which will enable me to rebook my holiday dates.

Pepsi and Max were as good as gold while I was incapacitated, it was as though they both new something wasn't right with me. Pepsi had seen me throwing up the first time, watched me with some interest and then retreated into the dining room and stayed there!

Sam came up with Kieran on Thursday as planned but I wasn't fit to do much with them until Friday evening. She has a new boyfriend and spent most of the time on the mobile, either talking or texting, which was a little frustrating as she would disappear out to the car for ages at a time! Apparently he is 41, which I think is a bit on the old side considering she is only 24! Ho hum! We shall see where it goes - if anywhere!

We have been having fun watching I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! for the last couple of weeks and have enjoyed the antics of the OAP's (Old Aggressive People) as they have been dubbed. We watched John Burton Races's 2 TV series when they were on and had dinner at his restaurant, the New Angel in Dartmouth, Devon as a special treat for my birthday a couple of years ago. It was very nice but very expensive!

I have also seen Janice Dickinson on America's Top Model and have been fascinated with her antics, she seems to veer from one extreme to the other, but seems rather lost now that all the other OAP's have left. The young ones seem determined to freeze her out. I have a feeling she may be next to go.

As for the big story - the Marc Bannerman/Cerys Matthews 'romance', I can't wait to see how that develops once she is out. He seems to have been getting some very bad press since he came out and is not what he seems at all. For one thing it turns out he is Irish, born in Dublin and apparently told the Eastenders producers he was Italian when he went for the part of Gianni. His now ex girlfriend has been telling the papers he beat her up and she had to put her arm through a glass window to stop him (seems a bit drastic to me!)and of course the requisite barmaid has put in an appearance & sold her story as well! Cerys comes across as very sweet and seems to have really fallen for him so I hope it doesn't turn into a disaster for her. I shall watch developments with interest!

Not a Good Start!

Today did not start well! Hubby left at 6.30am to get down to London, which meant I had to get a taxi to work for 8am, so rang & ordered one for 7.45. I'm downstairs getting the dogs their breakfast when the doorbell rings at 7.15. I'm wearing nothing but a pair of knickers (having figured its too early for the postman - not that I was expecting anything anyway) so have to scrabble to find something to wear in a hurry (cant go back up stairs as the front door is glass!) Find a pair of hubbys jog pants in the tumble dryer & a fleecy I've left on the sofa, so go to the door fairly presentable.

Open the front door & porch door (forgetting I've not closed the lounge door behind me) and lean out to shout over to the taxi driver that he's too early. This is the moment Pepsi, my west highland white terrier (Westie) decides to make a bolt for it and I see him dash past me, out the drive and disappear round the corner! Now on past experience I know he's not stopping but I go after him anyway. Not easy in slip on soft slippers! By the time I turn the corner into Middlemore Road, he's off & running and I can see him disappearing into the distance, but fortunately he's sticking to the pavement & not sidetracking into the gardens. By now I'm in a state of collapse as I have really over exerted myself and all I can do is stand and watch him. Fortunately by now the taxi driver has realised I'm not coming back & there must be a problem, so he drives after Pepsi and is able to catch up with him and brings him back to the house, drops him off & goes off on his next call.

All this means I have no time to wash my hair or put my make up on and just manage to get dressed before the taxi is back. So I arrive at work looking a right dogs dinner & feeling pretty much the same as well as being very much on the shaky side still. So Not a good start to the day!

Slide Show of Skibbereen

In September we went to Co.Cork in Ireland and visited Skibbereen, my ancestral home on my paternal side. My Grandfather was born there, although he moved to Dublin in later life. But my Great Grandparents and all those before them were Skibbereen people. My Great Grandfather Daniel Coughlan was a shoe & boot maker and had a shop on Bridge Street (no 25, now a gift shop) which can be seen in the slide show below. I was able to trace the family through the 1901 Census which listed many brothers & sisters of my grandfather of whom I was not aware, so that was exciting. Any one visiting Skibbereen should vist the Heritage Centre on Upper Bridge Street, which has an incredibly moving exhibition on the Great Famine. They will also try and find your ancestors in the 1901 census for you. Below is a slide show of some of the pics I took while in Skibbereen.

Another Update!

Just to bring anyone that's interested up to speed on what's been happening with our new house (Can't believe we'll have been here for 2 years in August!). We finished the bathroom & cloakroom OK - they look fantastic (I'll be posting some before & after photos soon). We've now got the hall, stairs & landing recarpeted & redecorated. We had to get someone in to do all the wallpapering, there was no way we could have done it ourselves! But it was money well spent and we're delighted with the result.

A lot of people prefer neutral colours such as creams, beiges or oatmeals, but not us. We've gone for Fireglow carpets in 3 of the bedrooms and down the stairs to the hall, The wallpaper has a white textured background in a sort of woven effect with a square & flower motif in the same colour as the carpet with gold highlights. If I'm honest we thought the motifs would be more spread out when we bought the wallpaper and it wasn't until it was actually on the wall we realised how much of them there is! But we like the overall effect which gives a lovely warm, cosy effect (We're really into Warm & Cosy - you can keep your cold bland minimimalist look!). Not to everyone's taste I know but we like it :-).

This year we are concentrating on the garden. Ian has really got the bit between his teeth and has been beavering away clearing out several of the old flower beds, which were badly in need of a makeover. I've planted petunias in the little stone wall along the patio which are starting to take off now I have defeated the slugs & snails (the torrential rain we've had lately has helped as well, although its been terrible for the rose bushes which are really looking beaten down and sad!). We have a new back fence and gate now as well so we can walk straight out into the riverside parkland behind us, which is great when we want to take the dogs for a walk. We have also started digging out the raised bed so we can put in a pond, which is proving to be a huge undertaking, particularly with the heavy clay soil we have here. But we are progressing nicely and hope to finish it when we have a week off in July so we can get the benefit of it for the rest of the summer. We have plans to include a waterfall & fountain with lights so it should be super - thats the hope & dream anyway.

Pepsi & Max are doing well. Pepsi just celebrated his 3rd birthday and had a nice cake with candles which he enjoyed. There have been no more escape scares thank goodness! The last one scared us so much we have got the garden as secure as is possible now with wire netting all round and hooked into the grou nd so he cant dig under it. We have given them the run of the garden and its great fun watching them charging up and down at breakneck speed or round and round the table & chairs. They can run the length of the garden, into the house, down the lounge & into the dining room, round the table & then back out to the top of the garden in what seems just a couple of seconds! Great fun!